Future Relationships

Although being a good husband and a father includes being a good provider, protector, leader, and teacher, these are not the only traits needed to be a successful husband and father. A successful husband and father also needs the following traits:

‒ In addition to being a good financial provider, a successful husband and father also needs to ensure the emotional and spiritual needs of his family are taken care of as well.

‒ In addition to being a good physical protector, a successful husband and father also needs to protect each family member’s self-esteem and self-worth. He will also protect the family values and belief systems.

‒ In being a good family leader, a successful husband and father takes charge and enacts changes as needed to ensure stability of the family. Leading means showing your wife and your children you are willing to give 100% to the success of the family unit.

‒ Being a good teacher means more than teaching your son how to ride a bike. A successful husband and father behaves in a way that uplifts, supports and encourages each family member, knowing his behavior is a role model for his children’s behaviors.

Many times as men we have no idea we are not meeting our wife’s needs. Many times we are simply playing the role of husband and father pretty much the way our own father’s did. If we had no role model of how to meet our wife’s needs, then how were we suppose to learn, and from whom?

For many father’s, both their role model at home and the reinforcement they get from society is that they are simply providers and protectors, no more – no less. In fact, for many men the only area where they feel successful is in their role as provider. At work they feel not only adequate, but appreciated as well. The idea of men being the spiritual leaders of their family and making sure the emotional atmosphere in their home is safe and secure is a concept with which many men are not totally comfortable.

Now that you are single again, you have the time to discover who your are, and what you truly want from life, and what kind of provider, protector, leader and teacher you want to be. You can start by realizing when something negative happens in life, you have the power to shift your focus from what is negative, to that which is positive.

One of my wisest clients once said she learned more from the negatives in life than the positive, because through the negatives, she learned what she did not want in her life. Now that is a wise way to look at the negatives in your life. (By the way, the client was so wise, I eventually married her.)

Shifting your focus simply means you can choose – you can choose to see the glass half full, or half empty – that choice is yours – no one can make that choice for you.

If you choose to look for the good in whatever happens to you, you will find it. This again is the “If you throw your head over the bar, your body will follow” concept. Now is the time to throw your head over the bar of a new beginning, and allow your body to eventually follow.

Soon after your family court case is over, you might find yourself ready to date again; however, you may be unsure whether it is right or not to start dating. The following are some tips as to the type of person you may want to look for when you do decide to start dating:

‒ Someone who will defer to you to set the rules, boundaries, and consequences for your children;

‒ Someone who is playful and has fun with your children;

‒ Someone who does not try to make your children like them;

‒ Someone who is not jealous if you need to pay a little extra attention to your children’s needs;

‒ Someone who is willing to come into your children’s lives slowly;

‒ Someone who will defer to your standards as to how much affection should be shown towards each other around your children;

‒ Someone who talks to your children with respect, and willing to talk about things that interest your children;

‒ Someone who never denigrates or talks down about their mother;

‒ Someone who enjoys both their time with you and your children, as well as their time alone with you;

‒ Someone who does not tell you how to parent your children;

‒ Someone who does not compare your children to their children;

‒ Someone who is supportive of you when your children are not with you and you are feeling down;

‒ Someone who is willing to participate and enjoy your family rituals such as birthdays, holidays and special days.

‒ Someone who treats you with respect and adoration so your children see such respect and adoration. Remember: Love and Lust Come and Go, Respect and Admiration Only Grow.

When it comes to your future relationships some of the following ideas are very old fashioned; some are old, but still in fashion; and others are neither old nor in fashion.

In any event, these are my ideas and I’m sticking to them. When contemplating your next relationship, take the time to ponder some of the following ideas:

Wives need to realize and learn they can get almost anything from their husband’s if they respond to his love; let him know he is the most important thing in her life; compliment him and show him appreciation; and treat him with respect.

Wives also need to know their husband can not, and will not, fulfill ALL of her emotional needs. Most women have a far greater emotional needs capacity than any man can fulfill. Therefore, wives need to cultivate females friends from whom they can seek out support and fulfillment.

Husbands need to realize and learn to spend time with his wife and children. Although as men, husbands are goal orientated, get to the bottom line, “fix it” type of individuals, they need to let go sometimes and just spend time with their wife and family–and listen, without any goals, without a bottom line, and without having to fix it.

What many times a husband perceives as a request to “fix it,” is really the wife’s way of communicating: “I want to spend time with you and I w ant you to spend time with me.”
Period, no other meaning, nothing more.

Many wives say there is nothing that makes her feel more loved than for her husband to just sit and listen to her.

I have had many clients over the past 25 years whom I have helped with not only their first divorce, but their second, and sometimes even their third. Take the time to personally grow. Take the time to truly discover what you want. Become a whole man yourself before asking someone to join you in your life. Marriage is NOT a 50-50 proposition – it is a100 – 100 proposition, with each partner giving 100% to the relationship.

When the time is right and you begin contemplating your next significant relationship, ensure you have reviewed exactly what kind of relationship you want. Be strong enough to say exactly what kind of relationship you want; and then, actively pursue the exact relationship you want.

Relationships are like life itself – not a sprint to the finish, rather a marathon to be experienced.

You discovered what type of relationship did not work for you, now go out and pursue the type of relationship that will work for you!